The Inconceivable

There once was a time in my life when I thought and felt the work, I am doing now was inconceivable. I had a certain idea in my mind about what it meant to be a tarot reader…you probably have a similar idea in yours or are at least aware of the stereotype I refer to. Being a preacher’s kid in the Southern Baptist Church, growing up in the Missouri Ozarks, you hear MANY different doctrines and theologies, from the one your father espoused, to varying traveling pastors (whether during revival or some other special occasion), while traveling to other churches, or from most laypeople over any meal or at any gathering. You also hear a wealth of variety of teachings in Sunday school.  While there are extremely different flavors of teaching and the curriculum being taught, I’m sure we were all taught very similar things about ANYTHING outside of the church. I was taught, often, that mystical practices or beliefs, spiritual beliefs of other cultures, and even by some, that spiritual gifts in general, are “demonic,” “witchcraft,” or at the very least complete fabrications and signs of demonic influence. I remember a time or two overhearing with little ears that psychology and some modern medicine could even be sinful, if not “of the devil.” Imagine a person from medieval times, time traveling to the here and now…how many every day things do we do that they would consider “magic?” A dishwasher would terrify them. As an adult, recognizing the complete and absolute mess of confusion and fear that I experienced as a child around the status of my eternal soul…I get so sad. What was considered “magic,” or “demonic,” by so many during that time, were probably explainable mental or emotional conditions or, quite possibly, their attempt at science and didn’t have any place in a society that understands how storms are created.

I recognized the Truth and Power of Spirit in my life when I wasn’t even old enough to go to school yet. I was born and raised with my father being a pastor, and if I remember correctly, I can count on one hand how many times I missed a Sunday, Wednesday, revival, event or meeting (even if I was in the children’s rooms). I could feel Spirit moving when we sang and prayed. I could feel Spirit moving when my father gave a powerful sermon (and all the ones I remember were powerful). I could feel Spirit moving when a community member passed, and the town would gather to remember them. I’m a crier. I cried at church, concerts, camp and even when we would do fun things, like go to Silver Dollar City for Young Christian’s Weekend (I know y’all know what I’m talking about).  I still cry when I feel Spirit move and yes, I still cry at concerts; Fleetwood Mac was a dream come true.

 I was four or five years old when my family went to see The Great Passion Play in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. I was wowed, in awe of the scenery of the landscape and the scenes playing out before my eyes on the stage. I’m a neurodivergent person who processes external stimulus and information at a very rapid pace, so I feel deeply emotional about my experiences. As a child and young adult, it was difficult for me to control myself while feeling these emotions, so I would get sucked into every situation on an emotional level and make some pretty poor choices. I can remember so many times this happened, but in this instance, when it was like I was literally transported to that time and place, and I was witnessing the life of Christ…I don’t think my little heart was able to handle it very well.  I experience witnessing this with others at a much higher level, almost every day now while doing this work, but I’ve learned to control my emotions and allow Spirit to work through me to show me what I need to learn, instead of being controlled by what I feel. But knowing and recognizing that at four? Not happening. I was ecstatic for most of the show, but as soon as those Roman soldiers started finding their way to arresting Him, the anxiety within my body was at peak level. I yelled and screamed for them to let Him go. I ducked down and hid under those seats and got as far back against the stone as I could. I cried and curled into a ball. I instantly felt the presence of Spirit as I cried there. I recognized the feeling from prayer and singing. I felt better. I couldn’t believe what I was watching, but I felt better about it, somehow.

I absolutely did not know how to verbalize that I felt Spirit, or that I experienced Seeing Spirit showing me things in my head…but I didn’t feel the need to speak it out loud, because I was under the impression that what I was experiencing, everyone else was experiencing, too. At least in their own way. I heard about the gifts of the Spirit in sermons and Sunday school classes, and how everyone has their own way of serving God and nothing is too small to be valuable to Him. This was all great, and didn’t make me confused, or afraid, at all. But…somewhere in the mix, within all the different preachers, teachers, interpretations, and doctrines, I also learned that some spiritual gifts like speaking in tongues, prophecy,  healing, visions and prophetic dreams no longer happen, and those gifts were only given to the people at the Day of Pentecost, no one has had them for a long time and if someone demonstrates they have them, they’re either faking or possessed by a demon. Talk about big stuff for a child…This was my life, multiple times a week, every year, for all my formative years, up until I was in my teens. Hearing people that I was taught to respect and trust with my spiritual teaching and guidance, teaching extremely conflicting and sometimes downright terrifying theology. This is the reality for so many children over generations. God is NOT a God of confusion nor condemnation, but I didn’t understand that then; I didn’t understand much of anything because there was never any consistency. But I Knew in my heart who Jesus is, that I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit and sometimes the things the adults said just didn’t make any sense because Spirit taught and showed me something else.

Here's my honest Truth; I Knew then and I Know now that we are all children of the Most High God and there are Pharisees and Sadducees that stop at nothing to keep people away from this Truth. Tarot cards were invented centuries after the Bible was written, during a time religious persecution was HIGH in Italy. They are a depiction of a story that details the human experience, laid out as if each card is a page of the book. They use archetypes to convey deep wisdom and encourage self-reflection. The deck most people have seen used in movies or television is based on the concepts of Jewish Mysticism. God has been depicted in infinite ways since humans discovered we could tell stories about our reality. Many times those stories have emerged from the ego of man and not from the inspiration of Spirit. But as we know, God’s hand is in everything.

Anything can be used as a tool to focus the mind and intention on any goal or task. Tarot cards are a tool to focus the emotional body and subconscious mind on what needs to be healed within; within our mind, body and/or soul. I work with them in tandem with Spirit to understand my choices and the consequences that come along with them, more deeply. I like to compare them to ink blot tests from a psychologist. The depictions on the cards will trigger something either consciously or subconsciously for the person looking at them. Whatever comes up, that’s an area of growth or learning the individual can be aware of and take into prayer, meditation or self-improvement work. I do not predict the future. I do not communicate with anything outside of the Holy Spirit and where Spirit guides me. The cards have no power within themselves, they are only a tool.

It used to be inconceivable for me to be doing this work…but it’s only because I was afraid to open to Spirit based on the limited information that I had from conflicting sources. I was conditioned and indoctrinated to believe a certain set of ideals that even the “leadership” couldn’t agree on. I was told multiple times in my childhood that demons could possess me at any moment. Why would I trust that over the Truth I Know Spirit was sharing with me? The amount of scandal, abuse, fear and crime that takes place within the Southern Baptist Church and my own experience within it, is enough proof to me to Trust Spirit above all others and Spirit will gift discernment of scripture to those who earnestly Seek it, whether in the SBC, or not.

 Spirit has shown me that I was taught (not by my father, but by many I had heard over the years) a doctrine of demons, a belief system that places the power of “demonic influence” over that of the Truth of Christ. I have learned Truth, that there is nothing more powerful than God and the Love that God is. No “demon,” no fear, no thought, no feeling, no experience, no lie is more powerful than God. The only True power in the Universe IS God. God works in mysterious ways and within every individual is The Way that God works with them. Everyone’s mind is different, and we have different levels of understanding and can only understand what we’re able to comprehend, at any moment. Which is why Jesus calls us to change the way we think and act; so that we can better act within God’s will, which is our Highest Good and the Highest Good of all. Instead of filling up the minds of our most precious among us with fear of demons and eternal hellfire, we should be instilling in them the Truth of Christ. “The fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and self-Control.” Galatians 5:22-23

I have been on a healing journey with Spirit for most of my life. I’ve come to a place where I have learned many things about who I am, where I’ve been, what I’ve done, why I did those things, how to accept responsibility for doing them, how to give it to Spirit when nothing I could say or do could atone, questioning what it means to be a “good” person, or what it means to be “righteous.” Every step of the way, Spirit has never abandoned me or made me afraid. Spirit has taught me that who I was, was not who God intended me to be and there was a better Way to live. There have been single footprints in the sand, there have been moments where my footprints were far away from Spirit’s…but as soon as I turned around to see the distance I was trying to force, Spirit was staring me straight in the face. I was never alone, and neither are you. If you’d like, let’s talk about it. Let’s explore those feelings, thoughts and emotions in tandem with Spirit and a few tools I’ve mastered in my own healing. I’m no longer afraid to look at myself and see how I can get out of my way so the Truth of Christ can shine through me. Spirit guides my steps, and I do my best to listen and move in The Way of Spirit. “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17

Thank you for reading and stay tuned to this space for more on what Spirit has shown me.